searching for love notes

Everywhere I go.. I search. I find little love notes to keep my days going. ANYTHING that is shaped like a heart of anything that makes me think of my CJ. I think I have found my calling in life... forcing shapes in everything I see.. for example

on our way to my grandmas house... I had my head up in the sky... and from a distance I see a CJ. 

I love it when I get love notes from everyone... letting me know that CJ put it for them to send to me. I know he does too, he works though people to send me some love.

I was texting my friend the other day... and this is our conversation. It really made me smile because people know how much I love CJ... and they still know our love continues.

Her: anything unusually heart shaped makes me think of you now.

Me: I search for them

Her: And you will always find them! CJ is always placing them for you to find. Just another game you two can play :)

Me: He is a gamer

Her: Definitely, I'm sure you have found all the ones he has hid. He likes to challenge you but loves it when you find them. So he always makes sure you do :) Like when you would block  his hits in volleyball or hit the ball over him. He liked challenging you but loved your happened when you scored on him. I'm sure its the same now.

I can't even tell you what perfect timing this conversation was. How I am more aware of the tender mercies. How the little things are HUGE in my book. Finding a heart... or forcing a heart in everything I see, helps me to keep going. Its been 15 months... the longest months, weeks, days, hours of my life. Without my love notes and love and prayers from everyone around me, I dont know how I would be where I am now. Yes, I wish I was happy and with my CJ... but now I have to work hard to get back to him. I miss him, SO MUCH!

 

 Here are some I have found... some that people have given me. I plan on collecting all the heart rocks and making a love note wall. Some how making a deep enough frame/box so that I can put a heart in each box with the year and state I found it in.... someday I will figure out how to actually do this.

Since it is now 4:15am.. I should probably try to sleep. It's a hard thing for me these days... I just can't turn off my brain some nights. Tonight is a prime example. I love and miss my husband. Each day I am one day closer....

lately

There has been so many emotions. So many memories come flashing into my mind... time flies by, but I still feel like it was yesterday. So many people said that after all the 1st it will get easier.. To be honest, in some ways, it's harder. I can now actually process everything in my mind better compared to the last 414 days... of blur. I can't believe that the time has gone. It seems like FOREVER and like yesterday all at once. My heart aches and my mind races all day. I go through the motions of doing things.. but my heart is empty. I smile, but it feels hallow. I just wish this would all go away and that I could be truly HAPPY with CJ. Looking forward is overwhelming.. so I still take it day at a time. I just miss being us. Miss that carefree happy me... sometimes I look at our pictures and wonder who that girl is... it's hard. I could go on for days... but I always try to remember Elder Holland and his advice to me.. Stop driving yourself crazy with the "unknown" and stick to what you do know. That I am sealed to CJ, that I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father, that I have the gospel in my life, and that I WILL see CJ again. I know he is not gone forever. I know he is very much alive, I feel that in my heart. I know the plan of salvation and eternal families is real.

Anyways, the other day a sweet lady named Jill gave me a book of quotes, called In Loving Memory. There were some beautiful ones.. but a couple stuck out to me and I wanted to share them because I loved them.

If I should ever leave you whom I love

To go along the Silent way, grieve not,

Nor speak of me with tears,  but laugh and talk

Of me as if I were beside you there...

And when you hear a son or see a bird

I loved, Please do no let the thought of me

Be sad... For I am loving you just as 

I always have.. You were so good to me!

There are so many things I wanted still

To do- So many things to say to you...

Remember that I did not fear- It was

Just leaving you that was so hard to face..

We cannot see beyond.. but this I know:

I loved you so-'twas heaven here with you.

- Isla Paschal Richardson

This one is my favorite:

You will not see me,

so you must have faith.

I wait for the time when

we can soar together again, 

both aware of each other

Until then, live your life to 

its fullest and when you need me,

just whisper my name in your heart,

I WILL BE THERE.

- Emily Dickinson

I imagine that day often of how excited I will be.. the butterflies that will come back to me when I see him standing there with that smile on his face. How I will start running.. and that old me will be complete again, in his arms.  I miss my sweet husband more than words can say. I love my CJ. Always have, always will.

365 days without you. I LOVE YOU CJ

Valentines day, a day we never liked, and we always said we loved each other every day; we didn't need a day to make it extra special Last valentines day I remember waking up to CJ giving me a kiss and saying " happy valentines day!". The night before we were just taking about how we would just hang out together at home, no big plans, and I told him all I needed was him and I was perfect. I thought about maybe cutting our sandwiches in a heart shape and surprise him, since I brought him lunch every day to work. I got up and went to the bathroom half asleep and as I was walking back to bed, with my eyes half open, CJ laid a good one one me and said "did you know I love you?' He was extra awake and spunky. I heard him get ready and watched him shave in the mirror of the bathroom. He was my handsome babe. He got ready and then out the door he went, just like any other day… but it was the last time I told my CJ I love him. Living only three block from work, CJ biked to work because he loved riding his bike and it was a sunny day. I wish I could go back and change it all… I have so many flash backs of this day.. and this horrible nightmare I wish I was dreaming.  It has been 365 days… the longest days of my life. The HARDEST days of my life. I want it to go away and I want US back. I love my CJ… more than words can describe.

One Year. It is unreal to me. How can he be gone? He still feels so alive in my heart….

I miss laughing with him, he always made me laugh. I miss the way he looked at me.. like I was the only person in the world to him. I loved it. When we would be in a group of people, and somehow, I would find him in the room and he would just be grinning at me, with "that grin" where I felt so much LOVE from him. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be loved by that cute guy across the room, that he was mine. I miss just him driving the car and holding his hand. I loved holding his hand, he had good looking hands. I am not just saying that because I love everything about him.. but he really had some great hands. He could have been a hand model. I miss the text saying "good morning lover butt" in the mornings when he knew I would just be waking up. I miss bringing him lunch, I loved waiting for him at our picnic table right outside his work… I would just wait until I saw that big smile walking out the doors. He would act all professional, until he got outside and would give me his crazy face and I would always get butterflies waiting for my handsome. I miss our "freakin weekends"! Every friday at about 4:55 I would get a text saying "its the freakin weekend" and how he wanted to take me on a cute date. We lived for the weekends because they were days we could be with each other EVERY SECOND! How on saturdays we slept hard!! I never used to sleep in late, but CJ taught me how to sleep in, and I loved it because I would wake up to my best friend. I loved how we could just lay there for hours together, not wanting to move, and being totally ok with it. I miss going to play tennis with my buddy, we were playing like 3-4 times a week…and I haven't even had the courage yet to play with our fancy rackets CJ bought us. My mind goes back to our last weekend together. How I spent every second with him doing our favorites together. I could go on for pages and pages of what I miss… I miss so much. What I miss most is that CJ took care of me, how I knew no matter what I did, he would laugh and tell me its ok.  How life used to be so happy and full… I knew what I wanted most.. to be a mom. How we would talk about how we would be that mom and dad dancing in the kitchen to our techno music… how we were going to be the cool parents. I miss seeing CJ light up with kids. How he loved talking about how he would be that dad that coached his boys after work, how he was going to be such a good dad. THIS is what breaks me the most. How it was taken away, and now I don't know what my purpose is. I have never prayed so hard in my life to my Heavenly Father for comfort…There is. CJ and I will be that mom and dad dancing together with our kids. We will be able to have our family… it is such a comfort to know that the promises we made in the temple will continue and we will have that chance. I love how in the scriptures is says "whatsoever is sealed on earth will be sealed in heaven.." That is a promise, and our Heavenly Father keeps his promises

 I have a lot of hard, down days… some days where I think I can't make it, some days (more like moments) I think I can.. and in one second I am a wreck. The only thing that is constant is that I LOVE HIM. I am so blessed to have him. I am so blessed to have amazing families. They have been with me every step of this journey, we are all in it together, and I am so grateful for the support they have given me. I truly don't know how people go through this would without family and the eternal perspective that the gospel gives us. Our friends have been there for me too. They come pick me up and take me out… even when I don't want to, but they want to get me out. They make me smile when I don't want to. CJ's friends have been checking in on me and taking me out too because they know CJ wouldn't want me to sit in bed all day… I am one of the boys now, and they have all just taken me under their arms. I can't describe how thankful I am for mine and CJ's family. I cannot express how much Love I have for them and for our friends… They have lifted me up. Even complete strangers have reached out to me and have been praying for me, those emails have gotten me through the day… I am so loved, and I feel it.

I am not trying to win the favorite aunt award, but my little Chunk, Brooklynn is a true little angel to me. She is so close to the spirt, and knows when "kewi" is having a hard time. She is CJ's little girlfriend and I know he tells her to give me extra love. I love all my nieces and nephews… SO MUCH. Chunk has just really been my little buddy. Sometimes when I bring her up to my room she will just say CJ and go give his picture a kiss. Then when we leave my room she says bye-bye CJ and blows him a kiss. I know she feels him close. That is why I love little kids because they are so more aware of the spirit, the veil is so much thinner, and I hold on to them and try to soak that in. Even bailey girl, I just see her sitting right in front of a picture of CJ, just looking at him. When I have been at my lowest, Brooklynn sat next to me and patted my back (she isn't even two years old) I think she just laid on me because that was the closest she could get to me, and wouldn't leave my side. ALL my family.. ALL my nieces and nephews, I love so much... CJ did too.

I have met amazing girls. Beautiful girls, who are in the same situation as I am, who have lost their husbands too. How their strength has really helped me. How I am not the only one… my heart breaks for all of us. I wish no one had to feel this pain, but it is so comforting to talk to them, they get it. People have been placed in my path, and I am so grateful for them. I know we meet people for a reason, and I have made some of the most amazing friends. Eternal friends that will continue. I know their husbands watch over us, and their husbands have helped my CJ too. They are with us… and will be until we come home to them.

I look back on this year… and with tears, I can say I did it, even when I didn't want to go on. I have loved my CJ 

every single second of every day… and I feel our love growing stronger each day. I am so grateful that I LOVE

 YOU were the last words we said to each other. I am so grateful I am married to my CJ for ETERNITY…I just

 wish this chapter of our love story didn't come so soon. We just barely started it. I wouldn't trade it for anything…

CJ is worth it. I really believe that we were made for each other. soul-mates. Even though our first chapter is short, 

it is filled to the brim, and it is the happiest chapter, and will be the happiest until I return to my CJ.

My CJ.. first in line

I found this picture and cannot stop thinking about it. It is so beautiful. 

In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike--and they will--you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven. I know my CJ is first in line. I know this is so true. I find a lot of strength in this picture. I love my CJ COMPLETELY! Words cannot express how much and how deep my love for him is. These past month have been a struggle... but my LOVE for him continues to grow.

I love my CJ.. always HAVE... always WILL

Six Months

Today, the 14^th, a Tuesday, it has been Six months. Six months I have had this pit in my stomach and broken heart, missing my CJ every SECOND of EVERY DAY.  The life that I had with CJ was so happy and and it changed so fast. It has been the longest  and slowest couple months.. But it also seems like yesterday we were lying in bed watching Downton Abbey.  I still go to my phone to call him when something happens and I want to tell him first… and then my heart drops every time, it HURTS. I have really low days… and I thought that I would feel that low every day the rest of my life… I could.. but I have felt so much love and I have so much love for CJ that I get up.. and I keep trying. I know that there is hope… and I know that CJ would want me to get up and go; To try and keep my head up. I know he hurts seeing me so sad, but I also know his heart hurts too;  I know he is watching me and always will. One thing that I KNOW and I am so grateful for is being sealed to CJ in the temple. Being sealed for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY, there is more to this earthly life, and I will ALWAYS be his wife and he will ALWAYS be my husband. Over the last couple months I have had a lot of time to think, to cry, to pray, go to the temple, and read. I have been trying to find peace and comfort in this nightmare.  Sleeping is hard… and waking up is even harder, I just want him to be next to me.

When I am sad… the only thing that gets me out is when I think and I feel the love that we have for each other. It is a bitter sweet… The way CJ made me feel and the way he loved me will never be replaced.  The memories I have with him I write in a journal. I write a lot in my journal, it is the only way I can get it all out of my head.  But my memory journal is my happier writing… every memory I can see CJ’s big smile and I can hear his laugh and I can FEEL the love we have… things I miss the most. I miss laughing and being truly happy… CJ is my happy. CJ and I did more in 18^th months than some couples do in their lifetime… and I am so grateful for our trips and for our time together. Our pre- honeymoon to Cancun. I still laugh that we went away for a week to cancun before we were even engaged… we were just dating.  Later in life a couple of our friends actually went on their honeymoon and stayed where we stayed. Our trips to Vegas. Our real honeymoon to Turks and Caicos, it was so beautiful and amazing. CJ knew how to plan trips.. and he loved showing me the “real” way to travel. Our latest two and a half week adventure to the east coast was the BEST time in my life. We went to Washington DC, Boston, and New York with a road trip over to Canada to Niagara Falls. We were with each other 24/7 and wanted more if it were possible. CJ and I lived for each other and would count down the hours till we were off work.. and the daily count down for the weekend was voiced on Monday… We lived for the “freaking weekend” just to be together ALL DAY. I know that sounds cheesy… but it is the truth, we did.

I cant even explain the love that I have for CJ in words and I also cant even explain the pain I feel and hurt without him here. One thing through all of this… things are EASIER SAID THAN DONE… I know we are sealed.. but it is so hard when I feel like this. Patience… blah!  Time heals… blah! The truth is that… they are all the true and I just need to pray for strength. I have never prayed so hard or studied the scriptures more in my life… the comfort and peace that I feel is undeniable. When I go to the temple on Tuesdays, it is so hard, but I do feel peace and I know that it will get eaiser.

CJ made me a better person. He taught me how to live life. His love for life radiated. But his true glow was his love for the gospel and His love for his Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. His testimony  and strength he had was what I loved most. He always said if he could be a missionary the rest of his life, he would. There is no doubt in my mind that is what he is doing now… doing what he loved most, being a missionary. I remember when we were friends… back in 2007, we had a class together. We were taking our final together at my apartment… and the next thing I know I am over the toilet throwing up and CJ had to finish taking my final. I got a better score thanks to him. Right after the final I remember CJ giving me a blessing… and I felt his love and strength so much, the spirit testified that to me. I wrote in my jounal CJ is the man I want to marry. He honored his priesthood, he was worthy to give me a blessing, and continued to throughout our marriage too. My testimony and relationship I have with my Heavenly Father  has grown so strong. I pour my heart out in prayer and I know that he knows my broken heart and will help me every step of the way… until the day I go home to my CJ. We will get our happily ever after… some day.  That is the hope that I have. CJ is at the end of my road… and I am going to do everything in my power to be worthy to go home to him. I don’t know how… but I know I will.

I am so very grateful for CJ for taking care of me. For working so hard for our family we were planning on having. We will have our family… some day! Once again.. easier said than done.. it is hard to wrap my head around everything.. but we will and I am so grateful for that. CJ was so good with kids. I loved watching him play with all of our nieces and nephews…  it melted my heart seeing how much they love him…and how they always wanted to play with CJ.

I do know that my life will never be the same without CJ. I know that I want to make him proud… doing what??? I am still working on that. I don’t know. I know that if I am left here on earth without him I want to be able to help others… the way other widows have helped me. Their strength is amazing and gives me hope. I want to be that for someone too. I want to keep doing things that CJ and I loved… I haven’t yet… but one day I will. I have to live my life how CJ would want me to.  I am going to try and golf… something he loved!! I am one day going to play tennis… and I am going to win for him! (maybe I will join a league… one day) I am going try to be a better person every day. I am going to share my testimony with complete strangers… like CJ did… but I am going to do that one for me. I am going to travel… I am going to travel the “real” way. I am going to go see the things CJ wanted to show me… and I know he will be with me. Once again… this is all eaiser said than done.  I am here… I have to CHOOSE to have faith and CHOOSE to keep going. I am going to start my bucket list… and I am going to do the best I can.

Without the gospel, family, and friends… I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have the best support. I feel so much love. I have two amazing families… and I am so happy that families can be together forever… but we all have to work hard to get there. My friends… who are also my family… have been with me every step of the way too. Strangers have reached out to me… widows have given me the strength I need. I know that people are put in our paths for a reason here in this life… and I am so grateful for that. There will never be enough good to outweigh the loss of my CJ, of our CJ. He was and is the most amazing husband, son, brother, uncle, and friend anyone could ask for… and we will see him again. That is what I love most… We WILL! It will be the best reunion… I get anxious… but I know that if I try my best, I will receive help from people around me, from my CJ, and my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I never thought I would be where I am now… six months ago.

Our life.. our blog is our story… but just a scratch of the surface. I want people to know I LOVE CJ. I want to shout it from the roof… I want everyone to know what a wonderful man he was… and still is. To those who know CJ… who met or haven’t met CJ… I hope that our love can rub off… and that you can know we were the happiest!! Life is so very fragile… I have never felt this pain… I never knew how it felt to lose someone you love… my heart breaks for everyone who has or that is going through this trial in life… and I never truly felt that before. Make sure you tell the ones you love that you love them… every morning and every night… I am so thankful for those words… I LOVE YOU.

CJ's blog

Here is a blog I am starting for my CJ. If you have any stories, memories, pictures, favorite quotes, or anything that reminds you of CJ please send them to me at kerimae2@gmail.com

http://ilovemycj.blogspot.com/

Nothing can ever take away,
The love a heart holds dear.
Fond memories linger every day,
Remembrance keeps them near.
- author unknown

Quote for the day.

My Cj loved elder holland.... So it is fitting I find a quote from him.

Don't give up.
Don't you quit.
You keep walking.
You keep trying.
There is happiness ahead...
You keep your chin up.
It will be alright in the end.
Trust in god and believe in good things to come.
- Elder Holland

I know Cj would quote this to me right now. Cj was my biggest fan, he still is... I miss him.