Thursday, July 24, 2014

Happy anniversary to our eternity

4 years

Happy anniversary to the love of my life. I remember the day we got married like it was yesterday. I was so excited. You forgot your tie, so I was able to see you before the temple and give you one last kiss as a single lady! You made my life complete, CJ. We were the happiest and most in love together. I am so grateful to know of the most pure love and true love that we have together. There wasn't a day you didn't say "I love you". We loved each other the most! My world has been rocked upside down since you aren't here, and I ache for you and the love you have for me. I know that the sealing power is real and that I will be with you again, for time and ALL eternity. Wish that you were here. We would be off doing some adventure that you would have had planned for weeks. Words cannot express how much I love and miss you. Happy anniversary to our eternity together.  4 years ago I made the best decision of my life to marry my CJ. We made each other better.  #ilovemycj more than, more than.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


Sometimes I think that CJ wants to kick me in the butt.. I miss him. He was always my biggest fan, my coach, and my best friend that always believed in me. Days are hard, he is always on my mind and in my heart. I am learning to carry it better and function, but it DOES NOT MAKE IT EAISER. I  will always carry him in my heart and hold on to that HOPE that I will be with him again.. but, THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT EAISER... this is a trial that most people my age don't experience.. and I really do wish that I could take the pain from those that do go through this, because its heavy and it HURTS. It is something that we all have to wake up each day and FIGHT to get through it. Normal things are not normal... little things trigger that pain of missing him daily. Babies. Cute couples in the mall. WEEKENDS. Sundays. Holding hands. Every little thing... I miss. I cherish that I can remember how sweet our love is... but it makes it that much harder without my best friend. My CJ.. he really is the GREATEST thing that happened to me. He made me better and WE loved each other more than the rest. We always said that to each other too... we love the MOST. Life is tough. Trying to fight each day to do things that CJ would want me to... Fighting to live a life that CJ would want me to... is hard. I know he sends his love notes to me to keep me going.... but every day we fight to "keep on keeping on" CJ always said that... so that is what I do.

Monday, February 17, 2014

two years

Words can't describe how deeply in love I am with my CJ. Words can't describe how much I miss him. How much I miss my best friend and husband. I can't even wrap my mind around two years of him being gone. How two years ago we finished watching downton abbey and breaking bad and talked about how we didn't have to go out to show each other how much we loved each other. We just wanted to be together. I so wish I could have just brought him lunch that day and how he would come dancing through the door with his music playing out loud for me with his big smile.. He always put on quite the performance and made me laugh. Today I remember only love... Love for him and for eternal families, how we will be together again. How much CJ loved life and everyone around him and how much he told me he loves me. We love each other hard and my life is up side down without him... But I do know we will be together forever. Our love will pull us through. I love you CJ. You're the best thing that ever happened in my life. #ilovemycj more than, more than. He kissed me on my forehead and told me I love you before he left our apartment...oh how I wish he was here. Today I will be strong for you. ����

That week I was overwhelmed with emotions and with so much support. I know that CJ works through others and I know that so many people sent his love to me. it meant more than anything. I miss hearing him tell me he loves me. I miss being happy, truly happy. Two years without my best friend is hard.. but I really am trying to live a life that I can make him proud. There isn't a "how to" guide book... and I still feel stuck... but day at a time. Thats all I can do. I also know that it's ok to not be ok. To feel such grief is the price we pay for the perfect love. We are perfect for each other... and I pray that one of these days I can feel my CJ push me towards something... so I can go forward with hope. I do know we will be tother again. I am SO VERY grateful for the sealing power for eternity with the man of my dreams. I love you CJ.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

new chapter

Lately, I feel a little overwhelmed.. ok, A  LOT. When people say you take a leap of FAITH... they were not joking. I decided to leap from sunny CA, where I lived at home with my wonderful family and number one support team, all the way to Salt Lake City, UT.  I have CJ's family and friends here.. but I am here, alone, without CJ. It is a lot to process on the daily, so I really just take it DAY AT A TIME. I can't go more than that because it hurts too much to think about.
Moving was HARD. 
I was going through boxes that I haven't gone through since the accident. The ward we were in and my family packed up our apartment and everything went straight to a storage unit and stayed there till now. I wasn't ready to go through them... now, I did. SO many emotions and memories of our life together. Sometimes I think that the pain hurts too much, and right when I do, there is ALWAYS a little tender mercy in my life; love notes, texts, a phone call, random people stop by... the list goes one and I know that CJ is always trying to work through others to send me some of his love.
(this little heart leaf was right outside my doorstep on a HARD day. As simple and little as it is.. it really made my day and keeps me going through my days.)
(this love note was on my walk to church on Sunday. The first Sunday all by myself... LOTS of emotions.. and I was about to go back home when I found this one)

Adjusting without my family and my little side kicks with me every day has been QUITE. I miss my 7am wake up with these two... Bailey girl and my lil chunk (her real name is Brooklynn)

I really am hoping that I can do this move to help me find strength in myself and try to do things that CJ would be proud of. Even though they are terrifying. I have been looking for jobs. Which has been difficult because I went from wanting to me a mom and starting a family with CJ to now needing to provide and live life here without him. Its hard to wrap my head about this still... I still wake up and can't believe this is a real life. I miss him. I hold him in my heart all day, every day, every second. Learning to hold this hurt and function daily is  beyond me at times... but I am trying my best to do what I can. I have gotten really good at putting on a fake smile to get me through moments when all I want to do is curl in a ball. There really isn't any other option though.. days go on. I feel I am stuck while the world moves around me and I can't stop time, so, I go day at a time. 

Through all of this I have found girls who have been such a strength to me.. you know who you are. Megan and I both lost our husbands about a week apart. I am so grateful to have her... when no one else gets me, SHE DOES. I so wish I could take this sadness and pain away from EVERYONE who has to feel this emptiness without their best friend and eternal companion.. once again, I CAN'T, but we are in this together. 

It just breaks my heart hearing all of these girls who are in the same shoes. Before I never really thought this happened. I was always on cloud nine with life and living with CJ... I found my happily ever after prince. Now, eternity can't come fast enough. I know that we will get out happily ever after. I just wish things were different. I always will. I am just so grateful to have the gospel in my life and the knowledge of ETERNAL FAMILIES. We will see and be together with those we love again.

I can't to be US. To be weird. To be TRULY happy with my CJ again.

This move... is a leap of faith, but one thing I do know is that I have the BEST support around me here and in heaven supporting me. 

Until next time.. who knows when that will be... blogging isn's the same these day. I will be looking for a JOB.... the worst... but next step in this story.


Saturday, August 24, 2013

A happy link

I found this link today... It made me smile. One day I was feeling down. I went to an interview to be a flight attendant and got turned away at the door for being an inch too tall. I called CJ and he told me to just drive to his work "that his babe just needed a hug". He would be waiting for me to come outside. I did what I was told.. drove straight to Fidelity and there he was, my handsome man, with his hands in his pockets waiting for my arrival. I got out and he just held me and told me it would all be ok, not to worry. I felt save there. I miss him. When I got back to work, (dont worry, I left my current job on a "lunch break" to go to this interview) this video was waiting for me to open in my email. CJ wanted me to watch it and hoped it would make me smile. CJ ALWAYS knew how to make me smile, how to make me feel so loved, and to support my madness. I love him. miss him like CRAZY.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

my babe and our eating.

If there is one thing you know about CJ is the boy LOVES to eat. Not just any plain jane food, good food. CJ liked to say he had a “sophisticated food palate” and knew a good meal. He did.

When we first started to date… Girls being girls, I would order a salad. CJ would take me to all these different places to eat with food from around the world, and I was clueless on what to order. I soon came to my senses and LOVED it with him. I think one of our biggest argument (haha if you even call it an argument) was whenever we went to eat, I would always like his food better and I would get mad because I wanted his over mine. He always just smiled at me, and even gave in and would switch me plates just because he loves me so much… but to solve our “argument” CJ came up with a solution, a game changer, he loved fixing a situation to benefit us both. He said “why don’t I just order my two top choices from the menu and we can switch half way and both be happy about it. BOOM, solved.  I hardly even looked at a menu from that point on because I always knew he would pick a good meal. One thing I always loved with him, is he would always ask me if our waiter/waitress looked like a “good eater”? If so, we trusted their opinion to what the best thing to order on the menu. We both considered ourselves “good eaters”. We were so good… we had a club, the C.P.C. club- CLEAN PLATE CLUB. Whenever we were in the club for our meal… CJ would say “das my babe” and give me a big high five or at the end of our meal… which ALWAYS had to end on a dessert, we would do our hand shake to each other laughing with how much we ate.

He wasn’t just a simple “light” meal eater either… he was a three course meal… all meals of the day.  He loved desserts…and I love that because most men (or at least I feel this way) are not huge treat people. Not my babe.  This the main reason we had our “love weight” gain once we were married. We were so happy we ate it up… every day was date night, and we both put on some LBS of love.

Whenever we went on a trip… our days revolved around where the best place to eat was…. Because lets get real people, that is the best part of your day.. FOOD. Without it we get hungry and grumpy… CJ is a happy guy… so we just kept that food coming, it always made me so happy to see him eat a good meal… I guess people noticed that about us, because for our year anniversary my parents took us to Vegas and we went to a buffet because my dad said: “I like to see you both eat because it makes you happy..” haha, so for our anniversary my dad wanted to watch us eat together.

My favorite memory, maybe of all times (well the one I laughed the most at) is when we were in New York. We were just walking around the city and I just wanted to test CJ to see if he knew my favorite food, so I asked what that was (I don’t even know what y favorite food is, I just wanted to see what he would say) He just turned to me with the biggest smile and said “CALORIES” he didn’t even break into a laugh, It was like a sincere answer… he did pause before he answered, gave it some thoughts, and that is his answer “my babe loves her calories, anything that has calories, she love them”. I tried to be mad about the comment.. but I just started to laugh and gave him a big ole kiss because he just loves his babe… no matter how beastly I was. I thought it was the cutest answer/insulting answer, but very truthful. We both just would ask that question throughout our trip and just laugh… calories. The more I think about this, the more it really is the most LOVING answer. He just loves me. He always said I would love you even if you gained 100 pounds… it’s just more to love!! Haha.  I can just see him looking at me with that smirk just laughing at me.

Whenever I order now, I always ask the waiter what his favorite meal is.. and base my order off that. I know CJ would be proud of me.. I am actually making a decision and ordering how he taught me to. I miss him like crazy… and love him like CRAZY!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

searching for love notes

Everywhere I go.. I search. I find little love notes to keep my days going. ANYTHING that is shaped like a heart of anything that makes me think of my CJ. I think I have found my calling in life... forcing shapes in everything I see.. for example
on our way to my grandmas house... I had my head up in the sky... and from a distance I see a CJ. 

I love it when I get love notes from everyone... letting me know that CJ put it for them to send to me. I know he does too, he works though people to send me some love.

I was texting my friend the other day... and this is our conversation. It really made me smile because people know how much I love CJ... and they still know our love continues.

Her: anything unusually heart shaped makes me think of you now.

Me: I search for them

Her: And you will always find them! CJ is always placing them for you to find. Just another game you two can play :)

Me: He is a gamer

Her: Definitely, I'm sure you have found all the ones he has hid. He likes to challenge you but loves it when you find them. So he always makes sure you do :) Like when you would block  his hits in volleyball or hit the ball over him. He liked challenging you but loved your happened when you scored on him. I'm sure its the same now.

I can't even tell you what perfect timing this conversation was. How I am more aware of the tender mercies. How the little things are HUGE in my book. Finding a heart... or forcing a heart in everything I see, helps me to keep going. Its been 15 months... the longest months, weeks, days, hours of my life. Without my love notes and love and prayers from everyone around me, I dont know how I would be where I am now. Yes, I wish I was happy and with my CJ... but now I have to work hard to get back to him. I miss him, SO MUCH!


 Here are some I have found... some that people have given me. I plan on collecting all the heart rocks and making a love note wall. Some how making a deep enough frame/box so that I can put a heart in each box with the year and state I found it in.... someday I will figure out how to actually do this.

Since it is now 4:15am.. I should probably try to sleep. It's a hard thing for me these days... I just can't turn off my brain some nights. Tonight is a prime example. I love and miss my husband. Each day I am one day closer....