new chapter

Lately, I feel a little overwhelmed.. ok, A  LOT. When people say you take a leap of FAITH... they were not joking. I decided to leap from sunny CA, where I lived at home with my wonderful family and number one support team, all the way to Salt Lake City, UT.  I have CJ's family and friends here.. but I am here, alone, without CJ. It is a lot to process on the daily, so I really just take it DAY AT A TIME. I can't go more than that because it hurts too much to think about.

Moving was HARD. 

I was going through boxes that I haven't gone through since the accident. The ward we were in and my family packed up our apartment and everything went straight to a storage unit and stayed there till now. I wasn't ready to go through them... now, I did. SO many emotions and memories of our life together. Sometimes I think that the pain hurts too much, and right when I do, there is ALWAYS a little tender mercy in my life; love notes, texts, a phone call, random people stop by... the list goes one and I know that CJ is always trying to work through others to send me some of his love.

(this little heart leaf was right outside my doorstep on a HARD day. As simple and little as it is.. it really made my day and keeps me going through my days.)

(this love note was on my walk to church on Sunday. The first Sunday all by myself... LOTS of emotions.. and I was about to go back home when I found this one)

Adjusting without my family and my little side kicks with me every day has been QUITE. I miss my 7am wake up with these two... Bailey girl and my lil chunk (her real name is Brooklynn)

I really am hoping that I can do this move to help me find strength in myself and try to do things that CJ would be proud of. Even though they are terrifying. I have been looking for jobs. Which has been difficult because I went from wanting to me a mom and starting a family with CJ to now needing to provide and live life here without him. Its hard to wrap my head about this still... I still wake up and can't believe this is a real life. I miss him. I hold him in my heart all day, every day, every second. Learning to hold this hurt and function daily is  beyond me at times... but I am trying my best to do what I can. I have gotten really good at putting on a fake smile to get me through moments when all I want to do is curl in a ball. There really isn't any other option though.. days go on. I feel I am stuck while the world moves around me and I can't stop time, so, I go day at a time. 

Through all of this I have found girls who have been such a strength to me.. you know who you are. Megan and I both lost our husbands about a week apart. I am so grateful to have her... when no one else gets me, SHE DOES. I so wish I could take this sadness and pain away from EVERYONE who has to feel this emptiness without their best friend and eternal companion.. once again, I CAN'T, but we are in this together. 

It just breaks my heart hearing all of these girls who are in the same shoes. Before I never really thought this happened. I was always on cloud nine with life and living with CJ... I found my happily ever after prince. Now, eternity can't come fast enough. I know that we will get out happily ever after. I just wish things were different. I always will. I am just so grateful to have the gospel in my life and the knowledge of ETERNAL FAMILIES. We will see and be together with those we love again.

I can't to be US. To be weird. To be TRULY happy with my CJ again.

This move... is a leap of faith, but one thing I do know is that I have the BEST support around me here and in heaven supporting me. 

Until next time.. who knows when that will be... blogging isn's the same these day. I will be looking for a JOB.... the worst... but next step in this story.

xoxo