Thursday, March 19, 2015

life, so far

When I say three years out loud... or even type it, it doesn't feel real.  Time is such an interesting thing. People say time heals. I beg to differ... time continues and so does life... even though I feel stuck, time is weird. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other days it feels like its has been SO LONG. The healing part is where I differ. My empty void for CJ will be there forever. He has a part of my heart. I am learning with time... how to find happiness again. Sometimes I truly forget what that means. It's like I am stuck on what life used to be and yeah, it was perfect. I. Was. Truly. Happy. CJ and I are best friends.. FOREVER... and life without your best friend, feels pretty empty. One of my favorite quotes:

" It has been said, time heals all wounds. I do not agree. All wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

Over these last couple of years I have learned some things. Things in all honesty I wish I didn't have to learn. But, here I am. I am learning how hard life is. How to live life again. How to laugh. How to find joy. I am trying to figure something out. Let me tell you, there is no how to guide book in this whole thing... it's just a day at a time. I still have moments and triggers on the regular that remind me of him. I am getting better at them... but sometimes the triggers will come when I least expect it. I am embracing that I will have this the rest of my life... a part of me is grateful that I do, because I can remember how much love we have. (as weird and twisted as that sounds.. Obviously I wish and want him here every second). I have learned how to love others deeper. How empathize with people on a whole new level. The scripture where is says .. mourn with those who mourn. I do. I get it and I feel it. I have learned that EVERY ONE IS FIGHTING A BATTLE. In some ways I feel numb to it all.. it can be easier to just not think about it all. I can't. I sometimes just wish there was a switch to turn off all emotions and all my thoughts for a day... it can get heavy to hold. I do feel pretty alone at times because no one knows... until you know. I have met some amazingly strong women and we find support in each other..but even then.. I don't feel their heart ache as heavy as they do. I just know what ACHE they feel in their heart. I know what it feels to be in a dark place. I know what it is life to see hope. Sometimes emotions and the world will make that foggy.. but I DO KNOW THERE IS HOPE. That is what keeps me going. I have learned that it is OK TO HAVE DOWN DAYS... but not to live there in that place. I get up. I go. I have to live a life that I want and that I know CJ would want me to be living. That, my friend, is so much easier said than done. But, day at a time. Another quote I like: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow". And that is ok.. but as long as I am trying my best... Heavenly Father knows my heart and will do the rest. I honestly don't know how I have got through these last three years.. and I know it is because I have been carried by love and prayers beyond my own. I have learned that I CAN'T do this on my own.. I have that faith and hope.

Life is a journey.. a hard one. I have to choose to find happiness again. I always tell myself it can't get any worse.. so, I just keep trying different adventures. My next one is a totally new one, new place, new roommates (haven't had roommates in 6 years), a total new surrounding of people... and all I can do is try. Big Gulps, eh? I feel CJ is proud of my baby steps and probably wishes I wasn't such a baby.. but, he also knows me best and is my biggest fan. I know he wants me to find happiness in life. I know I have him in my heart always and I know love is forever. Baby steps. Just any form of motion in any direction is better than staying in my bed all day. Trial and error. It is what I am going to try and see what happens... but the hunt for joy has begun.

I really don't blog anymore.. sometimes I just get the urge to word vomit.. so there is some of my puke. ha.


Brady and Brittany said...

I like this. I think you're doing awesome. CJ really is proud of you! You've come so far. I'm excited for your next journey in Palo Alto! Love you!!

Teresa said...

You are exactly right. CJ does want you to find happiness in life and is proud of you! Your and CJ's story breaks my heart, but I know that CJ watches over you and wants you to keep up your baby steps. Thinking of you.