life, so far

When I say three years out loud... or even type it, it doesn't feel real.  Time is such an interesting thing. People say time heals. I beg to differ... time continues and so does life... even though I feel stuck, time is weird. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other days it feels like its has been SO LONG. The healing part is where I differ. My empty void for CJ will be there forever. He has a part of my heart. I am learning with time... how to find happiness again. Sometimes I truly forget what that means. It's like I am stuck on what life used to be and yeah, it was perfect. I. Was. Truly. Happy. CJ and I are best friends.. FOREVER... and life without your best friend, feels pretty empty. One of my favorite quotes:

" It has been said, time heals all wounds. I do not agree. All wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

Over these last couple of years I have learned some things. Things in all honesty I wish I didn't have to learn. But, here I am. I am learning how hard life is. How to live life again. How to laugh. How to find joy. I am trying to figure something out. Let me tell you, there is no how to guide book in this whole thing... it's just a day at a time. I still have moments and triggers on the regular that remind me of him. I am getting better at them... but sometimes the triggers will come when I least expect it. I am embracing that I will have this the rest of my life... a part of me is grateful that I do, because I can remember how much love we have. (as weird and twisted as that sounds.. Obviously I wish and want him here every second). I have learned how to love others deeper. How empathize with people on a whole new level. The scripture where is says .. mourn with those who mourn. I do. I get it and I feel it. I have learned that EVERY ONE IS FIGHTING A BATTLE. In some ways I feel numb to it all.. it can be easier to just not think about it all. I can't. I sometimes just wish there was a switch to turn off all emotions and all my thoughts for a day... it can get heavy to hold. I do feel pretty alone at times because no one knows... until you know. I have met some amazingly strong women and we find support in each other..but even then.. I don't feel their heart ache as heavy as they do. I just know what ACHE they feel in their heart. I know what it feels to be in a dark place. I know what it is life to see hope. Sometimes emotions and the world will make that foggy.. but I DO KNOW THERE IS HOPE. That is what keeps me going. I have learned that it is OK TO HAVE DOWN DAYS... but not to live there in that place. I get up. I go. I have to live a life that I want and that I know CJ would want me to be living. That, my friend, is so much easier said than done. But, day at a time. Another quote I like: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow". And that is ok.. but as long as I am trying my best... Heavenly Father knows my heart and will do the rest. I honestly don't know how I have got through these last three years.. and I know it is because I have been carried by love and prayers beyond my own. I have learned that I CAN'T do this on my own.. I have that faith and hope.

Life is a journey.. a hard one. I have to choose to find happiness again. I always tell myself it can't get any worse.. so, I just keep trying different adventures. My next one is a totally new one, new place, new roommates (haven't had roommates in 6 years), a total new surrounding of people... and all I can do is try. Big Gulps, eh? I feel CJ is proud of my baby steps and probably wishes I wasn't such a baby.. but, he also knows me best and is my biggest fan. I know he wants me to find happiness in life. I know I have him in my heart always and I know love is forever. Baby steps. Just any form of motion in any direction is better than staying in my bed all day. Trial and error. It is what I am going to try and see what happens... but the hunt for joy has begun.

I really don't blog anymore.. sometimes I just get the urge to word vomit.. so there is some of my puke. ha.