Thursday, April 4, 2013


There has been so many emotions. So many memories come flashing into my mind... time flies by, but I still feel like it was yesterday. So many people said that after all the 1st it will get easier.. To be honest, in some ways, it's harder. I can now actually process everything in my mind better compared to the last 414 days... of blur. I can't believe that the time has gone. It seems like FOREVER and like yesterday all at once. My heart aches and my mind races all day. I go through the motions of doing things.. but my heart is empty. I smile, but it feels hallow. I just wish this would all go away and that I could be truly HAPPY with CJ. Looking forward is overwhelming.. so I still take it day at a time. I just miss being us. Miss that carefree happy me... sometimes I look at our pictures and wonder who that girl is... it's hard. I could go on for days... but I always try to remember Elder Holland and his advice to me.. Stop driving yourself crazy with the "unknown" and stick to what you do know. That I am sealed to CJ, that I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father, that I have the gospel in my life, and that I WILL see CJ again. I know he is not gone forever. I know he is very much alive, I feel that in my heart. I know the plan of salvation and eternal families is real.

Anyways, the other day a sweet lady named Jill gave me a book of quotes, called In Loving Memory. There were some beautiful ones.. but a couple stuck out to me and I wanted to share them because I loved them.

If I should ever leave you whom I love
To go along the Silent way, grieve not,
Nor speak of me with tears,  but laugh and talk
Of me as if I were beside you there...

And when you hear a son or see a bird
I loved, Please do no let the thought of me
Be sad... For I am loving you just as 
I always have.. You were so good to me!

There are so many things I wanted still
To do- So many things to say to you...
Remember that I did not fear- It was
Just leaving you that was so hard to face..

We cannot see beyond.. but this I know:
I loved you so-'twas heaven here with you.
- Isla Paschal Richardson

This one is my favorite:

You will not see me,
so you must have faith.

I wait for the time when
we can soar together again, 
both aware of each other

Until then, live your life to 
its fullest and when you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart,
- Emily Dickinson

I imagine that day often of how excited I will be.. the butterflies that will come back to me when I see him standing there with that smile on his face. How I will start running.. and that old me will be complete again, in his arms.  I miss my sweet husband more than words can say. I love my CJ. Always have, always will.


amy said...

dear keri. you don't know me, but your story breaks my heart! i am so very sorry for everything you have gone through, are going through and will go through. i have never lost a husband, but have lost my mom when i was 12 and my dad when i was 27 (as well as other family members) and i do understand how tragic and completely difficult and impossible that was to overcome. i am keeping you in my prayers and am sending lots of strength, love and support. i recently came across this - not sure you would be open to this, but it has given me a lot of comfort:
x amy

Lindsay Teter said...

You are so strong Keri. I think of you almost daily. I know we've never REALLY gotten to know each other super well but I've always admired the love you and CJ have. The glow of your face in every picture with him shows the true eternal love you have for each other. I can't say I know how you're feeling but I can imagine how hard it can be at times. Just know you have so many people who admire your strength and courage. Each time I see a sunset I think of you and your CJ. I'm here if you ever need someone in Utah to go on a long drive with or need a baby to snuggle (I wouldn't be the baby but I'd offer my sweet Quorra to you - she would love on your so hard when you're away from your Chunk!) Anyway - thinking of you always. xxoo Lindsay

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Dusica said...

I love the second photo!!