Today, the 14th, a Tuesday, it has been Six months. Six months I have had this pit in my stomach and broken heart, missing my CJ every SECOND of EVERY DAY. The life that I had with CJ was so happy and and it changed so fast. It has been the longest and slowest couple months.. But it also seems like yesterday we were lying in bed watching Downton Abbey. I still go to my phone to call him when something happens and I want to tell him first… and then my heart drops every time, it HURTS. I have really low days… and I thought that I would feel that low every day the rest of my life… I could.. but I have felt so much love and I have so much love for CJ that I get up.. and I keep trying. I know that there is hope… and I know that CJ would want me to get up and go; To try and keep my head up. I know he hurts seeing me so sad, but I also know his heart hurts too; I know he is watching me and always will. One thing that I KNOW and I am so grateful for is being sealed to CJ in the temple. Being sealed for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY, there is more to this earthly life, and I will ALWAYS be his wife and he will ALWAYS be my husband. Over the last couple months I have had a lot of time to think, to cry, to pray, go to the temple, and read. I have been trying to find peace and comfort in this nightmare. Sleeping is hard… and waking up is even harder, I just want him to be next to me.
When I am sad… the only thing that gets me out is when I think and I feel the love that we have for each other. It is a bitter sweet… The way CJ made me feel and the way he loved me will never be replaced. The memories I have with him I write in a journal. I write a lot in my journal, it is the only way I can get it all out of my head. But my memory journal is my happier writing… every memory I can see CJ’s big smile and I can hear his laugh and I can FEEL the love we have… things I miss the most. I miss laughing and being truly happy… CJ is my happy. CJ and I did more in 18th months than some couples do in their lifetime… and I am so grateful for our trips and for our time together. Our pre- honeymoon to Cancun. I still laugh that we went away for a week to cancun before we were even engaged… we were just dating. Later in life a couple of our friends actually went on their honeymoon and stayed where we stayed. Our trips to Vegas. Our real honeymoon to Turks and Caicos, it was so beautiful and amazing. CJ knew how to plan trips.. and he loved showing me the “real” way to travel. Our latest two and a half week adventure to the east coast was the BEST time in my life. We went to Washington DC, Boston, and New York with a road trip over to Canada to Niagara Falls. We were with each other 24/7 and wanted more if it were possible. CJ and I lived for each other and would count down the hours till we were off work.. and the daily count down for the weekend was voiced on Monday… We lived for the “freaking weekend” just to be together ALL DAY. I know that sounds cheesy… but it is the truth, we did.
I cant even explain the love that I have for CJ in words and I also cant even explain the pain I feel and hurt without him here. One thing through all of this… things are EASIER SAID THAN DONE… I know we are sealed.. but it is so hard when I feel like this. Patience… blah! Time heals… blah! The truth is that… they are all the true and I just need to pray for strength. I have never prayed so hard or studied the scriptures more in my life… the comfort and peace that I feel is undeniable. When I go to the temple on Tuesdays, it is so hard, but I do feel peace and I know that it will get eaiser.
CJ made me a better person. He taught me how to live life. His love for life radiated. But his true glow was his love for the gospel and His love for his Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. His testimony and strength he had was what I loved most. He always said if he could be a missionary the rest of his life, he would. There is no doubt in my mind that is what he is doing now… doing what he loved most, being a missionary. I remember when we were friends… back in 2007, we had a class together. We were taking our final together at my apartment… and the next thing I know I am over the toilet throwing up and CJ had to finish taking my final. I got a better score thanks to him. Right after the final I remember CJ giving me a blessing… and I felt his love and strength so much, the spirit testified that to me. I wrote in my jounal CJ is the man I want to marry. He honored his priesthood, he was worthy to give me a blessing, and continued to throughout our marriage too. My testimony and relationship I have with my Heavenly Father has grown so strong. I pour my heart out in prayer and I know that he knows my broken heart and will help me every step of the way… until the day I go home to my CJ. We will get our happily ever after… some day. That is the hope that I have. CJ is at the end of my road… and I am going to do everything in my power to be worthy to go home to him. I don’t know how… but I know I will.
I am so very grateful for CJ for taking care of me. For working so hard for our family we were planning on having. We will have our family… some day! Once again.. easier said than done.. it is hard to wrap my head around everything.. but we will and I am so grateful for that. CJ was so good with kids. I loved watching him play with all of our nieces and nephews… it melted my heart seeing how much they love him…and how they always wanted to play with CJ.
I do know that my life will never be the same without CJ. I know that I want to make him proud… doing what??? I am still working on that. I don’t know. I know that if I am left here on earth without him I want to be able to help others… the way other widows have helped me. Their strength is amazing and gives me hope. I want to be that for someone too. I want to keep doing things that CJ and I loved… I haven’t yet… but one day I will. I have to live my life how CJ would want me to. I am going to try and golf… something he loved!! I am one day going to play tennis… and I am going to win for him! (maybe I will join a league… one day) I am going try to be a better person every day. I am going to share my testimony with complete strangers… like CJ did… but I am going to do that one for me. I am going to travel… I am going to travel the “real” way. I am going to go see the things CJ wanted to show me… and I know he will be with me. Once again… this is all eaiser said than done. I am here… I have to CHOOSE to have faith and CHOOSE to keep going. I am going to start my bucket list… and I am going to do the best I can.
Without the gospel, family, and friends… I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have the best support. I feel so much love. I have two amazing families… and I am so happy that families can be together forever… but we all have to work hard to get there. My friends… who are also my family… have been with me every step of the way too. Strangers have reached out to me… widows have given me the strength I need. I know that people are put in our paths for a reason here in this life… and I am so grateful for that. There will never be enough good to outweigh the loss of my CJ, of our CJ. He was and is the most amazing husband, son, brother, uncle, and friend anyone could ask for… and we will see him again. That is what I love most… We WILL! It will be the best reunion… I get anxious… but I know that if I try my best, I will receive help from people around me, from my CJ, and my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I never thought I would be where I am now… six months ago.
Our life.. our blog is our story… but just a scratch of the surface. I want people to know I LOVE CJ. I want to shout it from the roof… I want everyone to know what a wonderful man he was… and still is. To those who know CJ… who met or haven’t met CJ… I hope that our love can rub off… and that you can know we were the happiest!! Life is so very fragile… I have never felt this pain… I never knew how it felt to lose someone you love… my heart breaks for everyone who has or that is going through this trial in life… and I never truly felt that before. Make sure you tell the ones you love that you love them… every morning and every night… I am so thankful for those words… I LOVE YOU.