lately

There has been so many emotions. So many memories come flashing into my mind... time flies by, but I still feel like it was yesterday. So many people said that after all the 1st it will get easier.. To be honest, in some ways, it's harder. I can now actually process everything in my mind better compared to the last 414 days... of blur. I can't believe that the time has gone. It seems like FOREVER and like yesterday all at once. My heart aches and my mind races all day. I go through the motions of doing things.. but my heart is empty. I smile, but it feels hallow. I just wish this would all go away and that I could be truly HAPPY with CJ. Looking forward is overwhelming.. so I still take it day at a time. I just miss being us. Miss that carefree happy me... sometimes I look at our pictures and wonder who that girl is... it's hard. I could go on for days... but I always try to remember Elder Holland and his advice to me.. Stop driving yourself crazy with the "unknown" and stick to what you do know. That I am sealed to CJ, that I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father, that I have the gospel in my life, and that I WILL see CJ again. I know he is not gone forever. I know he is very much alive, I feel that in my heart. I know the plan of salvation and eternal families is real.

Anyways, the other day a sweet lady named Jill gave me a book of quotes, called In Loving Memory. There were some beautiful ones.. but a couple stuck out to me and I wanted to share them because I loved them.

If I should ever leave you whom I love

To go along the Silent way, grieve not,

Nor speak of me with tears,  but laugh and talk

Of me as if I were beside you there...

And when you hear a son or see a bird

I loved, Please do no let the thought of me

Be sad... For I am loving you just as 

I always have.. You were so good to me!

There are so many things I wanted still

To do- So many things to say to you...

Remember that I did not fear- It was

Just leaving you that was so hard to face..

We cannot see beyond.. but this I know:

I loved you so-'twas heaven here with you.

- Isla Paschal Richardson

This one is my favorite:

You will not see me,

so you must have faith.

I wait for the time when

we can soar together again, 

both aware of each other

Until then, live your life to 

its fullest and when you need me,

just whisper my name in your heart,

I WILL BE THERE.

- Emily Dickinson

I imagine that day often of how excited I will be.. the butterflies that will come back to me when I see him standing there with that smile on his face. How I will start running.. and that old me will be complete again, in his arms.  I miss my sweet husband more than words can say. I love my CJ. Always have, always will.