Easter

Oh, Easter weekend. It brings so many memories back. SO MUCH HAPPINESS. It really amazes me how I can remember everything so clear. This is the weekend CJ and I flew home to see my family. We already knew we were getting married... CJ was just a gentleman, he had to ask my pops before he could get that ring on my finger. To make me his wife. Right before we got on the plane, CJ sat me down with disappointment, he told me that my ring wasn't ready. He tired to get it done so that I could show my family but it didn't get finished like hr hoped. I was a little bummed, but I really didn't care too much, I was just so happy that I was going to marry my handsome man, and that the ring could wait. The weekend continued as normal. I really didn't even think about the ring. I was just happy to be home.

Friday, CJ went golfing and asked pops permission to marry me. He said he wasn't nervous to ask at all. They had a good talk and great time golfing... they both are kind of obsessed with golfing, so, it couldn't really go wrong. I knew my family approved of CJ since day one. He's a charmer. ( Little did I know that he told my pops a little secret)

Saturday we just hung out and watched conference. Played some tennis. Went to the beach for sunset.

 Sunday, Easter Sunday, my grandma and grandpa came down to watch the littles have their Easter egg hunt at our house this year.  (they already met CJ before and said they approved of him way before I did) We hid the eggs together and then we all watched the little kids find them. I remember just holding his hand in my back yard feeling so happy. The big thing that happened that day was that we took a family picture. THE WHOLE FAMILY... CJ stood by my side, gave my butt a squeeze behind the camera eyes. He made the cut, he was in the picture... even without a ring on my finger to make it official. After dinner CJ wanted to go down to the beach for sunset. I didn't even think twice. I grabbed my jacked and we went down to our spot. Right before we left my sisters were so excited (thinking he was going to propose to me) but I KNEW that CJ didn't have a ring.. because anything that man told me... I took his word. I was sure of it... HE DIDNT HAVE A RING.. So I turned and said " there is nothing to get excited about.. CJ doesn't have the ring yet" and I shut the door and left. (My dad let his little secret out between CJ and him from Friday... I was just the only one that wasn't in on it) Once we got to the beach I was getting ready to climb up on the rock where we could sit and watch our sunset together. I felt a tug on me turning me around... I remember I was almost annoyed that he did in the middle of my climb.... I was CLEARLY trying toget up the rock. When I turned around I found CJ on one knee. I remember saying "thats not a funny joke, babe"... then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. (now looking back, I totally remember CJ almost a little stressed that he NEEDED his jacket before we went to the beach. I was like we have a blanket... but he insisted and off we drove to the beach. He was such a sneaker). I was in complete shock. I remember my heart racing... hearing him tell me he wanted to grow old with me and lots of really cute things and then he asked if I would marry him. "YES" thats what I said!! I was so nervous and excited.. so was CJ... that I stuck out my right hand for him to put the ring on my finger  before it registered what happened.. and I had to correct myself on what hand to put the beautiful ring he made for me, my engaged hand!! I was officially engaged! (I had no idea what the ring looked like. CJ and I spent a total of 10 minutes in a ring store before he said he knew what to do... and since I trusted him... out the doors we went, and that was the only time I went into a ring store my whole life). I was so happy. WE were so happy. I kept looking at my ring. I yelled "I'm engaged!" and a person from the beach watched the whole thing and came up to us to congratulate us. I told him I was the lucky one. We watched the sunset with a ring on my finger. On the way home... I couldn't even think straight on who I need to tell and pictures to show. He called his mom. I sent pictures out to my friends... and we held hands home laughing how I totally got PUNKED. When we pulled down the driveway and walked into my house all my family was cheering and so excited. They went out and got sparkling cider and had cute cups all ready for when we got home. CJ told my dad that he had the ring and that I didn't know (the secret)

... so everyone in my family was just waiting for CJ to propose any second. They thought he would during the easter egg hunt.... but he didn't... and they kept waiting. CJ told me he was so nervous the whole time and didn't know when to ask.. he said he just wanted it to be us. That if he did it in front of the family there was too much pressure.. but he held on to my ring every day.. just incase the moment felt right. I am so glad he did it when he did. How it was just us. I miss us.

Easter weekend has so many emotions too... the real meaning of Easter. That our savior, Jesus Christ, was resurrected. That he lives. Because of him.. families can be together FOREVER. He is the reason that I can see my CJ again. That we will have our ETERNITY. He gives us all hope. He gave his life for us so that we can be together forever. We have the atonement in our lives so that we can try our best and even in our short comings, he will make up the rest, and we will be able to return home.  There is a quote that I like "we are all walking each other home", and we only can because of our savior, Jesus Christ, families are together forever. I repeat that so many times... because it really is the glimmer of hope that I have in my dark and lonely hours. That hope that I WILL see CJ again. Just thinking of our reunion brings tears to my eyes.. because it is what I crave, but, I also know it is so far away. I try to think of what CJ would want of me.. how I need to live this life here... because he wants me to find happiness here. Our happiness and love is eternal.. and WILL NEVER CHANGE. I am so grateful that I know was real love is. That I can honestly say CJ and I have the best kind of love. That we made each other better and complete. The hope that I always will have this with CJ and that we will be together again... is what I hold dear to my heart.

Hope.

Every Easter I replay this day in my head. CJ said he always did things on holidays so that he wouldn't forget. Technically he proposed April 4th, but we always just counted it on Easter, no matter what day Easter falls on.

So many emotions. Sad ones that he isn't here... but I really only have happy memories. I just wish I had more with him.. I love him. I love the true meaning to Easter. That he is risen. That life is eternal and continues on after this earthly life. It's a weekend to reflect. Also a weekend filled with uplifting General Conference... where I am filled with continual comfort that hope is real.

life, so far

When I say three years out loud... or even type it, it doesn't feel real.  Time is such an interesting thing. People say time heals. I beg to differ... time continues and so does life... even though I feel stuck, time is weird. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other days it feels like its has been SO LONG. The healing part is where I differ. My empty void for CJ will be there forever. He has a part of my heart. I am learning with time... how to find happiness again. Sometimes I truly forget what that means. It's like I am stuck on what life used to be and yeah, it was perfect. I. Was. Truly. Happy. CJ and I are best friends.. FOREVER... and life without your best friend, feels pretty empty. One of my favorite quotes:

" It has been said, time heals all wounds. I do not agree. All wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

Over these last couple of years I have learned some things. Things in all honesty I wish I didn't have to learn. But, here I am. I am learning how hard life is. How to live life again. How to laugh. How to find joy. I am trying to figure something out. Let me tell you, there is no how to guide book in this whole thing... it's just a day at a time. I still have moments and triggers on the regular that remind me of him. I am getting better at them... but sometimes the triggers will come when I least expect it. I am embracing that I will have this the rest of my life... a part of me is grateful that I do, because I can remember how much love we have. (as weird and twisted as that sounds.. Obviously I wish and want him here every second). I have learned how to love others deeper. How empathize with people on a whole new level. The scripture where is says .. mourn with those who mourn. I do. I get it and I feel it. I have learned that EVERY ONE IS FIGHTING A BATTLE. In some ways I feel numb to it all.. it can be easier to just not think about it all. I can't. I sometimes just wish there was a switch to turn off all emotions and all my thoughts for a day... it can get heavy to hold. I do feel pretty alone at times because no one knows... until you know. I have met some amazingly strong women and we find support in each other..but even then.. I don't feel their heart ache as heavy as they do. I just know what ACHE they feel in their heart. I know what it feels to be in a dark place. I know what it is life to see hope. Sometimes emotions and the world will make that foggy.. but I DO KNOW THERE IS HOPE. That is what keeps me going. I have learned that it is OK TO HAVE DOWN DAYS... but not to live there in that place. I get up. I go. I have to live a life that I want and that I know CJ would want me to be living. That, my friend, is so much easier said than done. But, day at a time. Another quote I like: "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quite voice at the end of the day saying I will try again tomorrow". And that is ok.. but as long as I am trying my best... Heavenly Father knows my heart and will do the rest. I honestly don't know how I have got through these last three years.. and I know it is because I have been carried by love and prayers beyond my own. I have learned that I CAN'T do this on my own.. I have that faith and hope.

Life is a journey.. a hard one. I have to choose to find happiness again. I always tell myself it can't get any worse.. so, I just keep trying different adventures. My next one is a totally new one, new place, new roommates (haven't had roommates in 6 years), a total new surrounding of people... and all I can do is try. Big Gulps, eh? I feel CJ is proud of my baby steps and probably wishes I wasn't such a baby.. but, he also knows me best and is my biggest fan. I know he wants me to find happiness in life. I know I have him in my heart always and I know love is forever. Baby steps. Just any form of motion in any direction is better than staying in my bed all day. Trial and error. It is what I am going to try and see what happens... but the hunt for joy has begun.

I really don't blog anymore.. sometimes I just get the urge to word vomit.. so there is some of my puke. ha.

Happy anniversary to our eternity

4 years

Happy anniversary to the love of my life. I remember the day we got married like it was yesterday. I was so excited. You forgot your tie, so I was able to see you before the temple and give you one last kiss as a single lady! You made my life complete, CJ. We were the happiest and most in love together. I am so grateful to know of the most pure love and true love that we have together. There wasn't a day you didn't say "I love you". We loved each other the most! My world has been rocked upside down since you aren't here, and I ache for you and the love you have for me. I know that the sealing power is real and that I will be with you again, for time and ALL eternity. Wish that you were here. We would be off doing some adventure that you would have had planned for weeks. Words cannot express how much I love and miss you. Happy anniversary to our eternity together.  4 years ago I made the best decision of my life to marry my CJ. We made each other better.  #ilovemycj more than, more than.

http://flipagram.com/f/FrXQiMNdNg

fighter.

Sometimes I think that CJ wants to kick me in the butt.. I miss him. He was always my biggest fan, my coach, and my best friend that always believed in me. Days are hard, he is always on my mind and in my heart. I am learning to carry it better and function, but it DOES NOT MAKE IT EAISER. I  will always carry him in my heart and hold on to that HOPE that I will be with him again.. but, THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT EAISER... this is a trial that most people my age don't experience.. and I really do wish that I could take the pain from those that do go through this, because its heavy and it HURTS. It is something that we all have to wake up each day and FIGHT to get through it. Normal things are not normal... little things trigger that pain of missing him daily. Babies. Cute couples in the mall. WEEKENDS. Sundays. Holding hands. Every little thing... I miss. I cherish that I can remember how sweet our love is... but it makes it that much harder without my best friend. My CJ.. he really is the GREATEST thing that happened to me. He made me better and WE loved each other more than the rest. We always said that to each other too... we love the MOST. Life is tough. Trying to fight each day to do things that CJ would want me to... Fighting to live a life that CJ would want me to... is hard. I know he sends his love notes to me to keep me going.... but every day we fight to "keep on keeping on" CJ always said that... so that is what I do.

two years

Words can't describe how deeply in love I am with my CJ. Words can't describe how much I miss him. How much I miss my best friend and husband. I can't even wrap my mind around two years of him being gone. How two years ago we finished watching downton abbey and breaking bad and talked about how we didn't have to go out to show each other how much we loved each other. We just wanted to be together. I so wish I could have just brought him lunch that day and how he would come dancing through the door with his music playing out loud for me with his big smile.. He always put on quite the performance and made me laugh. Today I remember only love... Love for him and for eternal families, how we will be together again. How much CJ loved life and everyone around him and how much he told me he loves me. We love each other hard and my life is up side down without him... But I do know we will be together forever. Our love will pull us through. I love you CJ. You're the best thing that ever happened in my life. #ilovemycj more than, more than. He kissed me on my forehead and told me I love you before he left our apartment...oh how I wish he was here. Today I will be strong for you. 💙💛

That week I was overwhelmed with emotions and with so much support. I know that CJ works through others and I know that so many people sent his love to me. it meant more than anything. I miss hearing him tell me he loves me. I miss being happy, truly happy. Two years without my best friend is hard.. but I really am trying to live a life that I can make him proud. There isn't a "how to" guide book... and I still feel stuck... but day at a time. Thats all I can do. I also know that it's ok to not be ok. To feel such grief is the price we pay for the perfect love. We are perfect for each other... and I pray that one of these days I can feel my CJ push me towards something... so I can go forward with hope. I do know we will be tother again. I am SO VERY grateful for the sealing power for eternity with the man of my dreams. I love you CJ.

new chapter

Lately, I feel a little overwhelmed.. ok, A  LOT. When people say you take a leap of FAITH... they were not joking. I decided to leap from sunny CA, where I lived at home with my wonderful family and number one support team, all the way to Salt Lake City, UT.  I have CJ's family and friends here.. but I am here, alone, without CJ. It is a lot to process on the daily, so I really just take it DAY AT A TIME. I can't go more than that because it hurts too much to think about.

Moving was HARD. 

I was going through boxes that I haven't gone through since the accident. The ward we were in and my family packed up our apartment and everything went straight to a storage unit and stayed there till now. I wasn't ready to go through them... now, I did. SO many emotions and memories of our life together. Sometimes I think that the pain hurts too much, and right when I do, there is ALWAYS a little tender mercy in my life; love notes, texts, a phone call, random people stop by... the list goes one and I know that CJ is always trying to work through others to send me some of his love.

(this little heart leaf was right outside my doorstep on a HARD day. As simple and little as it is.. it really made my day and keeps me going through my days.)

(this love note was on my walk to church on Sunday. The first Sunday all by myself... LOTS of emotions.. and I was about to go back home when I found this one)

Adjusting without my family and my little side kicks with me every day has been QUITE. I miss my 7am wake up with these two... Bailey girl and my lil chunk (her real name is Brooklynn)

I really am hoping that I can do this move to help me find strength in myself and try to do things that CJ would be proud of. Even though they are terrifying. I have been looking for jobs. Which has been difficult because I went from wanting to me a mom and starting a family with CJ to now needing to provide and live life here without him. Its hard to wrap my head about this still... I still wake up and can't believe this is a real life. I miss him. I hold him in my heart all day, every day, every second. Learning to hold this hurt and function daily is  beyond me at times... but I am trying my best to do what I can. I have gotten really good at putting on a fake smile to get me through moments when all I want to do is curl in a ball. There really isn't any other option though.. days go on. I feel I am stuck while the world moves around me and I can't stop time, so, I go day at a time. 

Through all of this I have found girls who have been such a strength to me.. you know who you are. Megan and I both lost our husbands about a week apart. I am so grateful to have her... when no one else gets me, SHE DOES. I so wish I could take this sadness and pain away from EVERYONE who has to feel this emptiness without their best friend and eternal companion.. once again, I CAN'T, but we are in this together. 

It just breaks my heart hearing all of these girls who are in the same shoes. Before I never really thought this happened. I was always on cloud nine with life and living with CJ... I found my happily ever after prince. Now, eternity can't come fast enough. I know that we will get out happily ever after. I just wish things were different. I always will. I am just so grateful to have the gospel in my life and the knowledge of ETERNAL FAMILIES. We will see and be together with those we love again.

I can't to be US. To be weird. To be TRULY happy with my CJ again.

This move... is a leap of faith, but one thing I do know is that I have the BEST support around me here and in heaven supporting me. 

Until next time.. who knows when that will be... blogging isn's the same these day. I will be looking for a JOB.... the worst... but next step in this story.

xoxo

A happy link

http://youtu.be/qR3rK0kZFkg

I found this link today... It made me smile. One day I was feeling down. I went to an interview to be a flight attendant and got turned away at the door for being an inch too tall. I called CJ and he told me to just drive to his work "that his babe just needed a hug". He would be waiting for me to come outside. I did what I was told.. drove straight to Fidelity and there he was, my handsome man, with his hands in his pockets waiting for my arrival. I got out and he just held me and told me it would all be ok, not to worry. I felt save there. I miss him. When I got back to work, (dont worry, I left my current job on a "lunch break" to go to this interview) this video was waiting for me to open in my email. CJ wanted me to watch it and hoped it would make me smile. CJ ALWAYS knew how to make me smile, how to make me feel so loved, and to support my madness. I love him. miss him like CRAZY.